What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 05:42
I could never make a relationship work though!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
What should I do if a girl whom I love asks me to be her friend?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
One cannot live in the past .
Do very hot men ever feel attracted to an ugly woman? Why?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She was in good health!
Why do people stay in cults after they have joined?
He resisted the act ,that day.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She loved him until the end.
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
What did i know ?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He knew the spot.
As i do to all so called friends.?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I said to her
I was scared of men, in general
This is soul school!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Ive learnt so much.
What do you remember that 95% of us have forgotten?
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im still living with it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
When a narcissist mad at their new supply, do they take it out on the old supply?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I think the readers, may guess!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was 9 years of age.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
So whats the point in blame.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I have no regrets .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We all went to grammer schools
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was very sick at this time too.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
All the time i was locked up.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
It was going to be , some day.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My family never makes their pension either.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She found it foreign!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I never cut or harmed myself..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I waited trembling.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
So, i spoilt her more .
Put me off passion for life!!
My life is so biszare .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She married twice! .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Comes on , in middle age.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We were not on the streets..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Would this be the day?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I don,t even have a pension.
When she asked me how she looked .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I write beautiful poetry .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was seconnd youngest,
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And i lived it daily.
She wouldn,t have been !
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I will be 64.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But it wasn’t much.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Who then, do I blame.?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But, we were locked up after school.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.